


Eudice Eusyram: The Multi-Chapter Fic

by I_Smell_Rates



Series: Eudice Eusyram [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Female Harry Potter, Mary Sue, Parody, Written Pre-Deathly Hallows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-22
Updated: 2006-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26429536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates
Summary: Professor Eudice Eusyram returns, after over a year in limbo, to combat a new and greater threat then ever before!Originally posted on FictionAlley in 2006. Do note that this was written beforeDeathly Hallowscame out and explained who Grindelwald actually was.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Eudice Eusyram [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922371





	1. A Powerful Evil Villain Returns!

One day, Dolores Umbridge, who was a mean old hag, was walking home when she met Lucius Malfoy, who was evil!

"What are you two doing?" she asked him.

"I'm talking to you," Lucius said happily. "I just wanted to tell you the Death Eaters are stronger than ever!"

"Surely you can't be serious!" Umbridge said in shock.

"I am," Lucius told her, "and don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After Voldemort's been defeated and everything, how could the Death Eaters be stronger than ever?" Umbridge asked Lucius.

"Because we have a whole new leader everyone thought was dead, but he just hid when Dumbeldore was around, because he didn't want to get in trouble," Lucius answered.

"That makes complete sense," said Umbridge. "I'll join you immediately!"

"No, you won't!" a voice said.

This voice came from Eudice Eusyram, who was an incredibly gorgeous American woman and a genius when it came it everything. She also happened to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form was that of a Kelpie, it meant she could turn into almost anything. She had also been Remus Lupin's girlfriend when they were at Hogwarts and wrote the Marauder's Map, but let Lupin and his friends take credit for it because she was so generous and humble.

"Yes, I will!" Umbridge said. "Because I'm senior undersecretary to the Minister and that makes me all-powerful!"

"No, it doesn't!" Eudice said as she beat up Umbridge and Lucius Malfoy ran away because he was evil! Eudice took Umbridge to Order headquarters, where they put her in a dark room to question her.

"Why don't you tell us what's going on?" asked Remus Lupin.

"I will tell you nothing because I'm a mean old hag!" Umbridge declared because she was a mean old hag.

"Maybe we could still try to get her to talk," Lupin suggested.

"No, she's a mean old hag and she won't tell us anything," said Eudice, who knew what was best because she was perfect. "The only way to find out what she's up to is to use Legilimency."

Eudice was, of course, very skilled in Legilimency because she was a genius when it came it everything. She found out that the Death Eaters had a leader even more powerful and dangerous than Lord Voldemort!

"Who is it?" Lupin asked curiously. "It's not Brittany Spears, is it? That would be very bad!"

"No, it's someone even worse!" Eudice told him. "Someone we all thought was dead!"

"Who?" Lupin asked.

"It's my father," Eudice said dramatically, because this was a dramatic moment, "the Dark Wizard Grindelwald!"

"That's impossible!" Lupin said immediately. "Dumbledore defeated him in 1945!"

"I know," Eudice said, "but he's back. And he's more powerful than ever!"

"Oh, no!" said Lupin, who now felt very scared. "What will we do now?"

"We'll have to defeat him and, this time, make sure he dies!" Eudice explained. "It's the only thing we can do."

"But how can we defeat someone so powerful?" Lupin asked desperately.

"We'll just have to do our best!" Eudice said bravely. "It's our only hope."


	2. Perfect Eudice on Evil Grindelwald

The Order was having a presentation to tell everyone about the Dark Lord Grindelwald, who was evil! Lupin showed them all a picture of Grindelwald who was evil and very ugly.

"Name: Grindelwald," Lupin said, "as we know him today." He then changed the slide and it showed a younger man, who looked more normal, but who was still very evil! "Name: Euclid Eusyram."

"From 1942 to 1945, absolute ruler of more than quarter of our world!" Eudice said. "From Europe to America!"

"The second-to-last of the horrible Dark Lords to be overthrown," said Professor McGonagall, who was strict, but very nice.

"I must confess, other Order people," said Mundungus Fletcher, who liked to steal cauldrons, "I've always had a sneaking admiration for this one."

"He was the best of the Dark Lords and the most dangerous!" agreed Lupin.

"This...romanticism about an evil Dark Lord is..." Eudice began.

"Eudice, we men have a steak of barbarism in us," Lupin replied. "Appalling, but there nevertheless."

"There were no Brittany Spears albums under his rule," Mundungus said.

"And as little freedom," Eudice contested.

"No mindless killing until he started mindlessly killing everyone," added McGonagall, who was strict, but very nice.

"Everyone," Eudice said, sounding appalled. Everyone laughed.

"You misunderstand," Lupin told her, "we can admire Grindelwald and be against him all at the same time."

"You don't know what I've had to go through!" Eudice replied. "He was nothing more than a horrible drunk who beat and raped me when I was a little girl!"

"I'm sorry, I had no idea!" said Lupin and with that he and Eudice had sex together so she would feel better. When they were done, they decided to continue with the presentation. Because she didn't feel like going to all the trouble of getting dressed again, Eudice continued with the presentation completely naked. The men kept getting distracted by her incredibly gorgeous body, but she didn't notice all this because she was prefect.

"Anyway," she said, "as we were saying, Grindelwald is back!" Everyone gasped.

"Surely you can't be serious!" Mundungus said in shock.

"We are," Eudice told him, "and don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After Dumbledore defeated him and everything, how could he come back?" Mundungus asked Eudice desperately.

"Because he's smart and very evil!" Eudice answered. "We'll have to try our best to defeat him or he'll take over the world!" McGonagall, who was strict, but very nice, looked worried.

"How will we tell Harriet Potter?" she asked. Harriet Potter used to be Harry Potter until he was turned into a girl by Snape, who was evil! However, Harriet was now very comfortable with her new gender.

"We'll just have to go to her with the truth," said Eudice, because she was perfect. "I know she'll be able to handle it!"

"Are you sure?" asked Molly Weasley, who was overly overprotective.

"Yes, I'm sure!" Eudice said. "I think Harriet's old enough to understand now."

"What d'you _mean_ Grindelwald's back?" Harriet asked incredulously. "I thought Dumbledore defeated him in 1945."

"He did, but now he's back," Eudice explained, "and now we have to defeat him again."

"That's awful!" Hermione said. "I'd better explain all the academic stuff I know about him to make sure you all know how bad this is."

"Don't bother," Ron said idly, "I like being ignorant."

"Being ignorant is stupid!" Hermione declared. "Only someone ignorant would want to be ignorant."

"Well, that's good, because I am ignorant," Ron replied.

"Will you two stop arguing!" Ginny said loudly because she had a type-A personality.

"Yeah and we need to get on with the plot now," Eurydice added smartly, making a casual meta-reference.

"Oh, right," said Ron, who, as usual, didn't understand what was going on because he was ignorant.


	3. Eudice Makes A Very Brilliant Plan

Eudice decided to have a flashback just to further illustrate to the readers how evil Grindelwald was. She pictured her parents, Euclid and Euphemia, having the argument that would change their lives forever.

"I don't know you anymore!" Euphemia declared. "Euclid, you're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I can't follow."

"Euphemia, being good is really overrated," said Euclid, who was evil and would one day become the evil Lord Grindelwald! "You should join me!"

"I can't do that, because I'm a good character and I have to die a tragic death," Euphemia replied as she started to cry. She didn't know Euclid anymore. He was breaking her heart and going down a path she couldn't follow.

"In that case," Euclid replied angrily, "I'll beat you daily and call you all kinds of demeaning, sexist names just to show that, aside from being evil, I'm also a male chauvinist pig."

"No! Please, _no_!" Euphemia sobbed, but Euclid ignored her because he was evil. He did indeed beat her and treated her so horribly that she eventually committed suicide. This left him alone to abuse Eudice, who was young and innocent. She was horribly scarred, but she overcame all this to become the perfect Eudice we know today!

However, despite how perfect she was, thinking about this still gave her a shiver because it was so horrible. Of course, Eudice knew she would finally put all these awful feelings to rest when she defeated Grindelwald once and for all.

In order to stop the evil Dark Lord Grindelwald, Eudice went into the Forbidden Forest with Eurydice, Lupin, Hermione, Ron, Draco and Harriet. She knew that's where Grindelwald's secret headquarters were because she was a genius when it came to everything. After walking through the scary forest for a long time, they stopped when Eurydice sensed something.

"I sense Grindelwald," she said

"I sense a trap," Eudice said because she was a genius when it came to everything.

"Next move?" asked Lupin.

"Spring the trap," Eudice said swiftly.

"Surely we can't do that!" Draco said in shock.

"We are," Eudice told him, "and don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After you've worked so hard to defeat Grindelwald, how can we let ourselves be captured by him?" Ron asked Eudice desperately.

"Because I have a very brilliant plan because I'm a genius when it comes to everything," Eudice answered.

And with that, they were captured by Lucius Malfoy, who was evil. He gloated because he was evil and brought them to Grindelwald's secret headquarters where they were brought before Grindelwald himself!

"It's so wonderful that I have you all now," Grindelwald said smoothly. "I will now quote a completely irrelevant line from Shakespeare just to show how highbrow this fic is; _Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt_."

"I don't know what that means because I'm ignorant," said Ron.

"Well, you would know what it meant if you weren't so ignorant," Hermione replied, displaying the obvious sexual tension between herself and Ron.

"That's what I said in the first place," said Ron, making a big deal out of nothing.

"You're making a big deal out of nothing," said Hermione, making a big deal out of making a big deal out of nothing.

"You will all be stripped naked and locked in a cell together!" Grindelwald said villainously. "I will take over the world and you will endure the worst fate in the world: listening to Brittany Spears singing over and over again!"

"You know who this is?" Lupin asked Grindelwald, pointing at Eudice. "This is Eudice Eusyram, an incredibly gorgeous American woman and a genius when it comes it everything. She also happens to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form is that of a Kelpie, it means she can turn into almost anything. She was also my girlfriend when we were at Hogwarts and wrote the Marauder's Map, but let me and my friends take credit for it because she's so generous and humble."

"Ah, I never thought I'd see you again!" Grindelwald silkily said to Eudice. "Since I had so much control over you when you were a child, I've decided I'll be overconfident that I can kick you around just as easily now."

"That would be a big mistake," Eudice replied. "I'm now perfect and a genius when it comes to everything."

"I don't believe you because I'm evil and a male chauvinist pig," Grindelwald replied evilly, because he _was_ evil. "Lucius, take them away!"


	4. The Boring Filler Chapter

"Since this chapter wouldn't be long enough without it, I'll do my villain bit here," Grindelwald said in an evil voice. "Lucius, sing for me."

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." Lucius began.

"Oh, Lucius, do lighten up! Sing something with a little more...bounce in it."

"Umm....okay...." He thought for a moment and then got an idea. "It's a small world after all!"

"No! No! Anything but that!" Grindelwald cut in.

"I am sorry, Master. I shall think of another." Lucius bowed and thought for a moment. "Okay...here we go. I've got a lovely bunch coconuts. Diddley dee-dee. There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!"

The song was interrupted when Bellatrix Lestrange, who was evil, entered the room.

"What do you want me to do, O' Great Master?" she asked. "I will do anything to serve you because I am evil and you are evil and very powerful."

"Every single Order person, including Arabella Figg, is now an enemy of me," Grindelwald declared. "Do what must be done, Bellatrix. Do not hesitate, show no mercy."

"That's what I'm best at, sir," Bellatrix replied because she was evil!

"Good, now go forth!" Grindelwald replied. "Whatever you do won't be part of the main plot of this fic, but maybe, if you're lucky, we'll catch up with you in a future sequel."

"That'd be nice, sir," answered Bellatrix, before turning to leave the room. Just as she left, Wormtail entered the room.

"They are all now naked and locked in their cell," Wormtail said to bring the main plot back into focus. "There's no way they can escape!"

"Good, now let's get on with our evil plan!" laughed Grindelwald, because he was evil.

"This is really embarrassing," said Ron, who, like everyone else, was completely naked! (This includes their underwear and even their socks!)

"It isn't so bad," Draco, who liked to freak out Ron, said happily. "I like a healthy breeze around my privates, thanks." Ron was freaked out, but Hermione was overcome with such a strong fit of the giggles that she had to duck down and only returned when she stopped.

"Don't worry, I can get us out of here," Eudice said confidently. "After all, I am Eudice Eusyram, an incredibly gorgeous American woman and a genius when it comes it everything. I also happen to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since my Animagi form is that of a Kelpie, it means I can turn into almost anything. I was also Remus Lupin's girlfriend when we were at Hogwarts and wrote the Marauder's Map, but let Lupin and his friends take credit for it because I'm so generous and humble."

"But how can you get us out of here?" Draco asked hopelessly. "It's hopeless!"

"No, it's not!" Eudice said proudly. With that, she conjured a hairpin out of nowhere (being extremely gifted in wandless magic) and used to pick the lock. She then conjured clothes for everyone so they wouldn't be completely naked anymore.

"I'm going to send you all home," said Eudice. "I have to face Grindelwald on my own."

"Surely you can't do that!" Draco said in shock.

"I am," Eudice told him, "and don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After we've been with you for so long, how can we just turn around and go home?" Harriett asked Eudice desperately.

"Because I have a very brilliant plan because I'm a genius when it comes to everything," Eudice answered. "Now, give my regards to Brittany Spears." She snapped her fingers and everyone disappeared only to reappear back at Hogwarts. Eudice then walked on and towards her father.


	5. The Final Battle

_Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky_ , thought Eudice as she stepped out in front of Grindelwald. _Here I am, in front of my evil, abusive father for the first time since I was fifteen and a half years old._ Grindelwald came up to her.

"Oh, Eudice, I love you madly. Will you come to bed with me?"

"Father, I am not that kind of girl!" said Eudice indignantly.

"You're right, and I respect you for it," he replied an insincere voice because he was evil! "Here, sit here for a minute while I go get some pumpkin juice for us."

Snape came into the room. "What are you doing here, Eusyram?"

"My dad told me to sit here," Eudice replied.

"Perfect," said Snape silkily. "I admire your mind, but I know no one can get out of this. Having you roaming around free like this will prove that your father is smarter than you. I know you won't actually escape and go free because we're the bad guys and we're always overconfident."

"Maybe you shouldn't be so overconfident," Eudice replied, knowing Snape wouldn't listen to her because he was evil.

"Nonsense!" Snape laughed. "We're the bad guys, so we always win! Besides, you should get help. You're no match for him; he's a Dark Lord!"

"Professor Snape, Dark Lords are my specialty," Eudice said a way that displayed her confidence without making her seem at all arrogant (which, of course, she wasn't, because she was perfect.)

"Your wand, please," Grindelwald said suavely as he reentered the room. "We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the professor."

"I am a professor too, you know!" Eudice declared.

"Yes, but you don't have the same class as Professor Snape because you're a good guy," Grindelwald replied.

"That's not true!" Eudice declared. "I'll prove I'm even greater than Snape by fighting you not only without any weapons, but also without any clothes on. That is to make all the boys ogle over me even more and to make all the girls jealous, because I'm so incredibly gorgeous."

"So be it," Grindelwald declared, agreeing to the competition because he was a villain and villains are always overconfident.

Eudice got the whole world to watch them and shamelessly displayed her naked body because she was perfect. Grindelwald had clothes on because he was evil (not to mention very, very ugly.)

"You have met your match," Grindelwald said, pointing his wand and trying not to get distracted by Eudice's incredibly gorgeous body. "Prepare to be--"

Grindelwald never finished that sentence, because Eudice jumped on him and in five seconds she had beaten him up so much he couldn't move. She stood over him with her legs spread out so everyone could see her intimate parts. Grindelwald was so hurt he started to cry and begged for mercy.

"On one condition only," Eudice told him. "You drink a quart of Phreneticus Potion."

Grindelwald did so and suddenly his secret feelings for Uma Thurman were overwhelming. Colin Creevey snapped a few pictures while Grindelwald and Uma had sex and posted them around the castle. When Grindelwald returned to his normal state, he was so embarrassed and humiliated that he moved to Mexico. Eudice took over as ruler of the world because she was perfect and Kofi Annan retired. Everyone lived happily ever after except Grindelwald, who was now living in Mexico, and Snape, who got fired and sent to the South Pole.

"I don't think I could go back!" Ron said happily.


End file.
